Family Bytes

The Gift of Sex

You knew I would write about it eventually - the horizontal hula, da nasty, the bump ‘n grind, the “BIG IT.”

That’s right. Today I’m talking about SEX.

Sex is a powerful, yet often misunderstood, component in marriage. So I hope to add a little more clarity to sex - a gift from God given to marriage.

Disclaimer: It would be hurtful and irresponsible if I did not acknowledge the various factors that can affect our sex life. Past abuse, infidelity, change of life, body chemistry/biology, medication side effects, kids, excessive stress, depression and other mental health issues are just a few of the external forces that can shape our attitude and approach to sex with our spouse. As you read, please take your specific situation into account as you apply these principles. Also, be diligent in seeking possible solutions that may help you enjoy or re-engage your spouse in this facet of your marriage.

Sex Is A Gift With A Goal

Two commonly held, but misguided attitudes about sex are:

  1. Sex is about appetite. Like eating, our sexual appetites must satisfied.
  2. Sex is dirty and taboo. It’s something we may do, but definitely do not talk about.

Sadly, I have seen both of these attitudes in church. 

Years ago, I attended a men’s church group. It was a great experience except for one thing … our discussion leader suggested husbands are basically animals who want to have sex all the time. Wives, on the other hand, are to be persuaded into having sex by doing nice things for her. In other words, the men in our group were encouraged to earn “points” by doing nice and selfless things for his wife that he could later “cash in” for sex.

Sadly, we bought into this philosophy. The group members would joke, “I got to go home and earn a few points.” Others would ask how the point system was going at home.

However, there are major flaws to this approach:

  1. If we do something in order to get something in return, it’s NOT a selfless act of kindness.
  2. Sex becomes taboo and dirty when turned into a reward for good behavior, expectation for a special occasion, or kindness. This is when sex isn’t an expression of love and intimacy, but rather a service to be bargained for.

God’s true goal for sex is revealed in Genesis 2: 24 -25,

“A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.  25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

The Bible tells us is sex is a gift from God for married people and is a tool husbands and wives can use to build, express and experience an intense intimacy. It encourages us to give our whole self to our spouse, uniting physically, spiritually, and emotionally, not holding back in any way.

The way we approach our sex life may indicate the attitude we have toward our marriage. Is our relationship based on exchanging a series of favors? Or do we give 100% of ourselves, even if we do not get what we want, exactly when we want it? Do we strive to experience a sense of internal satisfaction – JOY – as we connect with our spouse on a variety of levels?

Here are a few questions that may help as you and your spouse develop an even healthier sex life: (Hint: don’t be silly, be kind and be open.)

What factors affect my desire (positive and negative) to have sex?

What 3 adjectives would you use to describe the kind experience you would like to share with your spouse?

What does our sex life possibly tell us about our marriage? (Please review the disclaimer about before you discuss.)

Remember, scheduling is sexy. 

It is okay to set a day and time to share this gift with your spouse. When we plan, we communicate that this is an important part of the relationship and we will make time for “us.”  Planning builds anticipation and excitement. It give each person the opportunity to leave a note or card, send a loving text message, or a number of other anticipatory options.

Sex is a gift God has given to our marriages, not the husband and wife... a gift that cannot be earned. It is one to be enjoyed by both wife and husband.


Posted by Freddie Albaugh at 10:40 AM
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